holmes_minor | Stone to Bread

Title: Stone to Bread
Rating: Teen
Length: 500
Content Notes: Jealous Holmes, POV Holmes.
Summary: Lestrade tempts Watson from Holmes's side.
Author's Note: More Biblical temptations. This time from the New Testament. The first temptation of Jesus in the desert; Holmes quotes Matthew 4:4.

“Hullo, hullo, hullo, what’s all this?”

“We have no need of distractions or assistance, Inspector,” I grumbled.

“How ever did you find us, Lestrade?”

“I am a detective, Doctor Watson, a professional sleuth-hound, so it was quite simple for me to follow the long trail of annoyed, inconvenienced, and irritated clerics you two are leaving in your wake.”

Oh, the nerve! Professional sleuth-hound. As if I don’t get compensated for my services! Sometimes, I get paid and very, very well, and Lestrade knows it.

“We are still searching for the cassock with the very distinctive stain,” I said coolly. “And if these men of the cloth were a bit more forthcoming with their vestments, the case might be resolved before luncheon.”

“Luncheon!” cried Watson. “Luncheon was hours ago, Holmes. We’ve been to every church and chapel and kneeling nook within considerable walking distance of the crime scene—without stopping for so much as a breath!”

“Time is of the essence, Watson. If that cassock finds its way to a laundress, all hope of discovering the guilty party is lost. There are forty addresses on the list. We’ve eliminated fifteen, and this establishment is number sixteen—“

There was a loud gurgling. Watson flushed and muttered, “I’m so hungry I’m going to eat the next candle I see, lit or not.”

“And that’s why I’m here,” said Lestrade. “Because, as you may or may not know, this quaint place of worship just happens to sit about forty paces from a pub that serves the best sausages in the city.”

He pointed towards the corner.

“Inspector, we have a murderer to catch, we can’t possibly pause for sausages!” I cried.

“Best sausages?” breathed Watson, with round eyes and pupils that were rapidly darkening.

Oh, no.

“Best,” said Lestrade. “Thick. Meaty. German. Nice, crispy bread and a cool pint to wash it all down. What do you say, Doctor? I’m certain Mister Holmes can function without you for a short while.”

Who was this tempter, with his talk of bread and pints and sausages, luring my Watson from my side? The game was afoot! Sacrifices must be made! Including sausages, especially the thick, meaty, German sort!

“Absolutely not—“ I began.

“I'll meet you at the next one, Holmes!” shouted Watson as he chased the devil-in-tweed down the street.

I stood, seething in silence. Then I hurled a scathing rebuke at their retreating figures. “It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God!”

Suddenly, the heavy door behind me opened.

“Oh, you are correct, so very correct, sir! I’ve sinned. I’ve strayed from the Word of God.” He held out his robe, a dark red stain of three concentric circles clearly visible. “I want my punishment, oh, yes! Please take me!”

I grinned and called out, “Oh, Lestrade! My work is done, but yours has just begun! Hmm, how shall I celebrate a case closed? I know! Sausages with Watson!”

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Tempted by sausages - no wonder Watson couldn't resist.

I loved that phrase from your other fic 'best sausages.' And I thought for a hungry Watson, they'd be a lot more tempting than bread.

Fear not, Watson - the wurst is yet to come!

hahaha! Everyone else can go home. The internet's yours.

“I am a detective, Doctor Watson, a professional sleuth-hound, so it was quite simple for me to follow the long trail of annoyed, inconvenienced, and irritated clerics you two are leaving in your wake.” Go, Lestrade! ^____^ And I love the expression 'kneeling nook' ^_^

Watson flushed and muttered, “I’m so hungry I’m going to eat the next candle I see, lit or not.” Is this a Mouselet reference I see before me..?

Other favourite lines:

“Best sausages?” breathed Watson, with round eyes and pupils that were rapidly darkening. Oh, no.

“I'll meet you at the next one, Holmes!” shouted Watson as he chased the devil-in-tweed down the street. ^____^

It almost makes me wish I weren't a vegetarian ^^

Thank you! Yeah, I do like the portrayal of Lestrade as a competent detective in his own right, although the kind of cases he usually solves are the tedious, normal kind resolved through ordinary hard work (as opposed to brilliance). I didn't want to get too tangled up in Catholic vs CoE vs other church terms, so I went poetic with 'kneeling nook.'

I wanted a 'stone to bread' reference, but I couldn't make it work, so I went with candle. Definitely Mouselet reference and the fact I went to a Eucharistic Adoration on Thursday at a church I'd never been to before and there were A LOT of candles (even for us) and A LOT of incense, which I adore and having been thinking about doing something with your old friends the nuns Sister Sherlock and Sister John.

The term 'best sausages' comes from one of Hobbit's CTM fics I looked at for her. It's not an American term, but I liked it. Yeah, when you're doing Bible references, there is no such thing as too much metaphor or word-play, is there? I have an angsty onem in mind for the Garden of Gethsemane, but I don't want to end the month on angst, so I'll see if I can think of another to round out the month on a funny/light/perhaps smuttish note.

Who could resist?

Indeed!

Stone to Bread

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