[identity profile] okapi1895.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] holmes_minor
Title: Cleopatra’s Gourd
Rating: Mature
Length: 221b
Notes: Retirementlock, Horror/Nightmare, Object Insertion, Bodily Invasion of Insects, Incompetent Vicars, POV Watson, dialogue only, humour (YMMV)
Summary: Watson’s own fears of the countryside manifest in a nightmare.
Author’s Note: Could be a companion piece to Red Columbine. Based on a myth about the first vibrator. For the August prompt: hand utensils.

“Beyond my wildest dreams?”

“The cosmopolitan pleasures of London pale in comparison to those of the bucolic, yet hedonistic, countryside, Watson.”

“I’m not a young man.”

“No acrobatics required, just an open mind, a willingness to take a risk, and a penchant for the extraordinary.”

“Well, I’ve got those in spades. All right.”

“Splendid! Let me tie this blindfold.”

“Oh, heighten the sensation?”

“Precisely. I’ll just be a moment.”



“Yes. Oh!”

“Take a deep breath. Relax. There. How’s that?”

“Oh, yes, well, the vibrations are rather pleasant. It is a clockwork device?”

“No, this mechanism is older than even gears. It was first used by the Egyptian queen Cleopatra.”

“Really? Well, it can’t be magic. Oh, oh. That buzzing sounds just like…oh, but that’s impossible.”

“Just remember, Watson, when you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains…”


“Don’t twist so, Watson, you’ll tear the neck of the…”




“Nightmare, Watson?”

“Yes, this country life.”

“It will take time to accustom ourselves to it.”

“Holmes, would you be disturbed if I asked you to vow never to shove a squash full of angry bees up my arse?”

“No, but I will advise you to spend less time with the Vicar. His jokes are unsettling, his knowledge of history even more so. Oh, your raffle prize…”

“That hideous gourd?”

“…will be burned.”

Date: 2017-08-09 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thesmallhobbit.livejournal.com
That was hilarious - I have now learnt more than I think I wished to know though ;)

Date: 2017-08-09 08:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thesmallhobbit.livejournal.com
No, I can't imagine Cleopatra doing that either!

Yes, we do have gourds, although whether Watson would have had one at the time I'm not sure - I'm not worried though (even if he was).

I sounds like just the sort of thing a certain type of vicar would say - just between men, you know.

Date: 2017-08-09 09:22 pm (UTC)
ext_1620665: knight on horseback (Default)
From: [identity profile] scfrankles.livejournal.com
To borrow a phrase once again:

Good Lord.

“Holmes, would you be disturbed if I asked you to vow never to shove a squash full of angry bees up my arse?” is indeed very funny ^____^

Date: 2017-08-20 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mafief.livejournal.com
::shudders::: I may never look at that type of goard the same way again.

Date: 2017-08-21 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mafief.livejournal.com
Haha. Thank you for the fair warning. I'll prepare to have my view of various objects altered. ;)


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